Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Fountain Is Full of Doo-Doo

So, have you seen the movie, The Fountain?

You must. Seriously. You must. Because this movie is so bad, so extremely awful, so nonsensical, so convoluted in the story line, so confusing - that I simply must have someone else to discuss it with.

Tom and I rented this one from Netflix last week in the mistaken impression that it was a science fiction/fantasy story about time travel, the quest for immortal life and the power of love being reborn again and again.

Well. Actually. I guess that IS what it is SUPPOSED to be about.

But in reality it is just a mess that makes absolutely no sense. It is supposed to be comprised of three stories about the same couple. Although, I have to confess, until I read the description of the movie online while searching for photos of it to mock endlessly, I did not realize that there were three stories.

Tom and I spent most of the movie trying to figure out what the bald guy who kept lovin' on the tree had to do with the rest of the movie.

Have you seen one of those movies that starts so bad you are really tempted to turn it off but you keep thinking "Wait, surely it will get better!" But then. It never does.


"Oh, Hugh! I know I look IDENTICAL TO your wife who you will meet in the future but, in reality, there is absolutely no correlation between the two of us. Aside from the fact that we look alike. But it will take the audience the entire movie to figure that out. And, by then, it will be too late to get their money back!"

OK, let's throw in some Mayan legend stuff. Audiences love that. Even though it will make ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE in the movie, let's put in a fountain with a tree growing right in the middle of it. And something about eternal life. Definitely eternal life. And hey. Give that Mayan the biggest doodad on his helmet you can possibly find.
"Oh, Hugh! Look! It's some totally made up nebula or something else that has to do with stars that the Mayans worshipped or something and it has to do with eternal life or death or queens who look like women in the future. Or something."

The tree in a golden bubble. Which I totally did not know was supposed to be a spaceship in the future until I read a description of the movie. Who knew?

Oh, Hugh, Hugh, Hugh. We were puzzled too. Who could figure out this movie? Not us.

Hugh. Let me tell you. When you stab that tree and drink the sap, you will not have eternal life. You will fall down and little plants will grow all over you and you will die. I know. I know. It doesn't make sense. You were supposed to rescue the queen and that would influence the future and you could save your wife.

But Hugh. That would have been a movie that MADE SENSE. You are in THIS MOVIE.

Just stab yourself, man. Just stab YOURSELF.

And, Hugh? The next time someone hands you a script? Give me a call. I'll give it a read. And tell you whether to take a pass on this one.


sarah said...

OKay, I just left a long commnet, that then was totally sad. But, I hated this movie so much that I will totally retype the same comment AGAIN!

We were so excited about this stupid movie. Somehow it got away from us in the theater so we got in on Netflix. We were so sure it was going to be good that we watched it with Boo and Chris. It. Was. Terrible. So, it was a SPACESHIP?? How in the hell were you suppose to know that? Three actual stories?? I thought it was real life, her book, and then him trapped in his own dispare and the end of time....what the hell??? Worst movie EVER!

The Mommy Years said...

Huh, So that's a spaceship. Well I'll be darned.

Wondering if Hugh even read the script or just said yes because they called him at 4am and said "Rachel Wiess will be your love interest" and he said yes because she's cute & he doesn't know his next wife is waiting patiently for him.

He got confused - he hadn't had coffee yet.

Yeah, that's what happened, I'm sure. He would never actually PICK a movie that bad!

Heather said...

Just stab yourself, man. Just stab YOURSELF.


I haven't seen The Fountain, but I write the plot synopses for our newspaper's Movie Guide, and I still remember tearing my hair out over that stupid film. NOBODY, in any review I found, could tell me what that movie was about, at least not with the clarity that would enable me to write a two sentence plot summary. What a nightmare.

Boo said...

Worst movie EVER!! We've seen so bad movies since but The Fountain is the measuring stick for bad movies for all time. "Have you seen Such and Such...yeah, we didn't like it but it wasn't as bad as The Fountain!" Wow, that movie just sucked!

alexander said...

i hate pessimistic people like you. you cant simply appreciate simplicity and indifference. everything for your type of people must be negative or condescending to some degree. the film was a beautiful film. its an arthouse film that's creative, artistic and unique. if u cant learn to appreciate those qualities that the film possesses than it tells someone alot about your personality. well i geuss at the end of the day nowones perfect and i geuss the conflict driven world we live in today wouldnt be what it is without people like you in it...

Sue said...

Ok, wow, Alexander is a little coo coo in his critique of your blog. Take it down a notch there, buddy. I liked The Fountain, but could see where people would hate it. I, at the very least, appreciated it as something truly original in a world of lames sequels and 70's TV rip offs. And it was visually beautiful and creative, but yes, confusing as ALL HELL. And depressing as a mofo, but that is Darren Aronofsky for you (see Pi, Requiem for a Dream). Its not something I went to the movies for, or Netflixed or went to Blockbuster for. It was onDemand, so I bought it and watched it when I had absolutely nothing to do. BTW, "arthouse" does not automatically give something credibility....