The Fountain Is Full of Doo-Doo

So, have you seen the movie, The Fountain?

You must. Seriously. You must. Because this movie is so bad, so extremely awful, so nonsensical, so convoluted in the story line, so confusing - that I simply must have someone else to discuss it with.

Tom and I rented this one from Netflix last week in the mistaken impression that it was a science fiction/fantasy story about time travel, the quest for immortal life and the power of love being reborn again and again.

Well. Actually. I guess that IS what it is SUPPOSED to be about.

But in reality it is just a mess that makes absolutely no sense. It is supposed to be comprised of three stories about the same couple. Although, I have to confess, until I read the description of the movie online while searching for photos of it to mock endlessly, I did not realize that there were three stories.


Tom and I spent most of the movie trying to figure out what the bald guy who kept lovin' on the tree had to do with the rest of the movie.

Have you seen one of those movies that starts so bad you are really tempted to turn it off but you keep thinking "Wait, surely it will get better!" But then. It never does.


This was JUST LIKE THAT.


"Oh, Hugh! I know I look IDENTICAL TO your wife who you will meet in the future but, in reality, there is absolutely no correlation between the two of us. Aside from the fact that we look alike. But it will take the audience the entire movie to figure that out. And, by then, it will be too late to get their money back!"

OK, let's throw in some Mayan legend stuff. Audiences love that. Even though it will make ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE in the movie, let's put in a fountain with a tree growing right in the middle of it. And something about eternal life. Definitely eternal life. And hey. Give that Mayan the biggest doodad on his helmet you can possibly find.

"Oh, Hugh! Look! It's some totally made up nebula or something else that has to do with stars that the Mayans worshipped or something and it has to do with eternal life or death or queens who look like women in the future. Or something."

The tree in a golden bubble. Which I totally did not know was supposed to be a spaceship in the future until I read a description of the movie. Who knew?

Oh, Hugh, Hugh, Hugh. We were puzzled too. Who could figure out this movie? Not us.

Hugh. Let me tell you. When you stab that tree and drink the sap, you will not have eternal life. You will fall down and little plants will grow all over you and you will die. I know. I know. It doesn't make sense. You were supposed to rescue the queen and that would influence the future and you could save your wife.

But Hugh. That would have been a movie that MADE SENSE. You are in THIS MOVIE.

Just stab yourself, man. Just stab YOURSELF.

And, Hugh? The next time someone hands you a script? Give me a call. I'll give it a read. And tell you whether to take a pass on this one.