Dear Mother Nature,

Wassup??

And I don't mean that in a nice, friendly, waaaassssuuup kinda way. I mean it in a wasss-the hell-uuuup kinda way. Because this weather? This weather has GOT TO GO.

Usually by this time of year, the last few weeks of the school year, it is pretty, bright, sunny, warm, quite lovely to experience. Quite lovely. This rainy, gray, dreary, cold, quite yucky weather? This is just not acceptable.

Usually by this time of year, I have switched completely over to my lovely, lovely, bright colored open-toed slides. It may get a little cool in the morning but I persevere because open-toed slides weather has arrived and I am NOT putting those socks back on.

Mother Nature. I had to put my socks back on. I tried very hard not to but once my toes got a blue tinge in the morning, I just had to go back. It broke my heart.
We only have 11 more days of school. 11. I have more than 11 spring outfits I wanted to wear. More than 11 pairs of bright colored slides. Now what am I supposed to do? I had PLANS, Mother Nature. PLANS. And you have waylaid them. I have sundresses I have not even worn. Bright colored capris and strappy tops that have not come out of the closet. Please.

A little sun. A little warmth. For the sake of the bright colored, open-toed shoes.

I am begging you.

Check out my latest Herald-Leader blog post at: Series Books for Kids

FREE Business Cards - ONLY $50.00!

So, I decided I needed some new business cards. I'm writing for a professional blog now (see? over there on the right? at the top? Yeah. I'm a little excited about it) and I thought I might actually need to act a little professional sometime in the future and might need to be able to hand someone a business card.

I remembered that I had gotten some free business cards a while back to hand out when I was presenting at conferences, so I just looked up "free business cards" on the good ole Internet and Vistaprint popped up. After attempting to create an account, vistaprint remembered me as a customer and I was able to log in and look at all the free business cards. They actually are free; it's not a scam of some sort. You just pay for shipping. (although I do think the shipping is a little high)

But I didn't love the free ones, so I checked out the ones that were only $3.99 and found the PERFECT one with two women on a patio. OK, click, order 250 of those. It popped up and offered me a business card holder for only $6.99. Now, I have to admit that I already ordered one of these the last time I got the free business cards but I have absolutely no idea where it might be. So I TOTALLY needed one. I can't just throw those cards in my purse, can I? My lovely FREE cards might get crumpled.

So, now we are up to $11.00. I kinda want them right away so I chose Priority Mail. Another $13.00. Up to $25.00 with tax.

Now, even before I get into the rest of this story, I am looking at those figures and realizing I probably could have gone to a local printer and gotten some cards much cheaper than that. But these were FREE!

When I pressed the order button, a message came up and said to wait, to be patient, not to click the order button again and IF YOU DID (because of course people do) just go back and check to see if the order actually went through before you order again. I waited patiently and then the screen that was counting down just clicked closed.

I hesitated because I am nothing if not obedient to instruction, then clicked to see if the order had gone through. It had not. It was still in the shopping cart.

So, of course. I ordered them again.

Can you see where this is going?

About three minutes later, I got an email confirmation of my order. Then, a few seconds later, a confirmation of my second order. $25. Twice. $50. For my FREE business cards.

I frantically went back to the site and began clicking, trying to cancel one order. But, alas. A message came up saying that everything was automated, you could not cancel. But there was a phone number! Relief! I called it. And proceeded to wait 15 minutes on hold. I firmly believe they thought I would just give up and take both orders of my FREE business cards, but no. I waited. And waited.

The phone was finally answered by a lovely, friendly and polite gentleman from India. Or possibly Mars. Either way, we had some small degree of difficulty in communicating. But he finally got the message. And he canceled one order.

So, my free business cards on on the way.

My free $25 business cards.

What a deal.

My Mascara Smells Like Chocolate

Seriously. And let me tell you how I discovered this. Although, in the telling, I will only add to your opinion that I can, very occasionally, be a pin-headed nitwit. So, remember when we had the sewer drain backup on Thanksgiving weekend?

Once we had the carpet cleaned twice and the dehumidifier running for the weekend, everything was clean and lovely and smelled quite nice. Except for once in a while, like when you would come in from outside, you would occasionally get a whiff of a fragrance. But not an unpleasant fragrance. A sweet fragrance. Kind of like. Chocolate. I guess it was the last residue of mold that was trapped under the washer or dryer. It eventually completely disappeared. But in the meantime. Chocolate.

I sit on the (closed) toilet and apply my makeup every morning. And every morning for a long time, as I was applying my eye makeup, I would think, "Man, I can still smell that chocolate smelling mold from downstairs. It must be blowing up the heating vent."

Every morning I said this. As I applied my eye makeup.

Finally. One morning I reached to pluck off one of those mascara goblets that gets on your lashes - and I realize that a goblet is actually a glass but I think mascara goblet describes those little black globs PERFECTLY, don't you? - while at the same time holding the mascara brush near my face and I thought. Huh. That chocolate smell is really strong this morning. Then. On a whim. An impulse. A random, stray thought. I sniffed my mascara. And it smelled like?

Chocolate. Yes, indeed. Chocolate. All this time, every single, solitary time I got out my mascara and didn't realize the smell was coming from it. And this had gone on for months. Months.

But actually.

I kind of like the chocolate smell.

Although. It does make me crave a chocolate doughnut.

Just in case you think I am making this up (like I would TOTALLY do that), go to the Estee Lauder counter and ask to smell their "Projectionist High Definition Volume Mascara" and let me know what you think. They won't think you are weird at all. I'm sure.

Check out my other blog post at: Awfully Quiet Around Here

Mrs. Who's White Elephant Blog Giveaway - May 12, 2008

Liz from Moose on the Loose won the blue daquiri glasses from last week. I'll get them to you, Liz!

Mrs. Who's White Elephant Blog Giveaway

White Elephant: Something of dubious or limited value (value being in the eye of the beholder)

For details about the FREE (Yes, FREE. No strings attached. Well. Except you do have to visit my blog.) White Elephant Blog Giveaway, just click here. Now, make a comment. You know you want to.

This is a cute ceramic utensil holder for your kitchen. It's about 6" tall and has a kitchen pattern with a mostly blue and green kitchen design. Make a comment if you need some place to store those utensils. Good luck.

For Fun Friday - May 9, 2008

Try this word game where you have to fill in the letters to create book titles or other categories.

http://www.eastoftheweb.com/cgi-bin/top_scores.pl?game=storyman

Want some free books?? Right. Who doesn't want free books? Well, this site can set you up.

http://bookmooch.com/

What's your dream job? They said I should be a LAWYER! Please. Just because I like to talk. A little bit.

http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=84069

This intuitive games learns from all the players and tries to guess what you are thinking. I liked the movies category.

http://www.20q.net/

She Photoshopped My Arm To Make It Look Fatter. It's The Only Possible Explanation.

My niece had some pictures on her blog the other day from a baby shower we all attended for my other niece. She had some lovely pictures on her post. Lovely. There was one of me with Liz and Wesley and I was admiring it and how cute we all looked and my hair was flipping just right and my little top was cute and then I saw it. My arm. My truly, truly fat looking arm. I gazed at it for quite a while, appalled. It was huge. It kind of spread, rather blimp-like against my side where I had pressed it as I hugged Wesley. And I wondered why in the world my arm looked so fat.

It has absolutely nothing to do with all the cake I have eaten at the three baby showers I have gone to recently. Nothing to do with all the cookies and candy I have consumed during Teacher Appreciation Week. Nothing whatsoever to do with the M & M blizzard I got at the drive-though at Dairy Queen the other day. Those are completely not to blame, I am sure.

There is really only one explanation.

She Photoshopped my arm. She took some of those little online tools and stretched it or widened it or simply added some fat to it. Just to mess with my mind. For a little playful joke.

I'm sure that's it.

It's Photoshop.

And that's the final word on the subject.

Check out my new post at my other blog: Hold The Pickle

The Great And Powerful ME, ME, ME!

So, I have decided that I am, like, this great and powerful being and everyone should BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, YOU PUNY MINIONS!

After I wrote about my old family recipe for meat loaf the other day, my friend Barb emailed me because they were having trouble finding that meat loaf mix and she wanted to know where did I buy it? In other words, she read my blog post and IMMEDIATELY went out to purchase the product I had recommended. I mean, I had several comments from people politely saying they would try it but you kind of assume they might just be very polite, but she went out to purchase it. IMMEDIATELY.

THEN. After reading about pop-tarts in a mind-numblingly large number of posts, Tom decided that he had a hankerin' for some pop-tarts. And if you don't know what a hankerin' is, well, you just haven't watched enough old Westerns. So I bought him some strawberry ones. And here is the exact conversation we had the other evening.



Me: So you had some of your pop-tarts this morning? (seeing the empty package)

Tom: Yeah. Thanks for getting them. I tried them with butter.

Me: You DID?

Tom: Yeah. I put butter on a different side on each one to try it.

Me: You DID?

Tom: Yeah. I didn't really like them with butter.

Me: You actually tried them WITH BUTTER because you read about it on my blog?

Tom: Uh. Yeah.

So there you go. I have THE POWER. And here is what I have decided to do with it.

1. From now on, everyone is to refer to me as "Your Majesty". An example might be "Your Majesty, would you now like a foot rub?" or "Your Majesty, can we bring you another iced sugar cookie which we have made for you?"

2. I now have an infinite line of credit at every shoe store in town. A line of credit that never has to be paid.

3. A car company will deliver a little red convertible to me and hand me the keys. And they will put a big bow on it.

4. A cruise company will give me unlimited travel to anyplace I want to go at any time. And I will always have the penthouse suite.

5. At any time, I can add anything I want to this list because I HAVE THE POWER.

6. And don't even trifle with me. Minions.

I Forgive You, BBC

OK, remember how I ranted and raved about "Torchwood" and how it was absolutely the WORST show we had ever seen? Well, the BBC has TOTALLY redeemed themselves for me now.

I was messing around on the computer the other night while Mark and Tom randomly blew up aliens downstairs (in a video game - as far as I know, there has been no alien invasion. And, if there was, Tom would be no help AT ALL. That is one thing that wigs him totally out.) and decided to go to Netflix and possibly watch some romantic movie. I scrolled around on the TV series section, just idly looking and saw a series from the BBC called "Coupling". It said it was the British version of "Friends", so I was hooked instantly and decided to check it out.

Y'all! This show is great! It's hilarious and sweet and pretty darn sexy. It is vaguely like "Friends" - it's about a group of friends and their lives and they meet regularly in a bar instead of a coffee shop. But it's different enough that it's pretty entertaining. I watched it on the instant view and then decided it was so good, Tom needed to see it too, so I added it to our queue. We had just started watching them and I thought it might be nice to get an in-depth review from a guy's point of view. So I asked him. Here is his detailed synopsis of the show.

"Clever. Funny."

So, there you have it. How much more detail could you possibly want? Apparently, it was on for four seasons and that was it, so don't fall too much in love with it. But fall a little in love. Enough to watch it. Because I think you'll like it. Let me know if you do.

And due to many, many demands from my Google Reader readers (is that redundant?), here is a direct link to my Herald-Leader blog. OK, one request. But still.

For Fun Friday May 2, 2008

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
Count every ' F ' in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.


HOW MANY ? WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke. READ IT AGAIN ! Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down. Apparently, the brain cannot process 'OF'. Incredible or what? Go back and look again!! Anyone who counts all 6 'F's' on the first go is a genius.

Having a hard time thinking of a password? And, no you should not be using the same password every time. You know this. Yet you do it. This site will come up with a password for you.

http://passwordbird.com/

Are you going on a trip? Wonder how much your dollars will be worth? That's easy. Not much! But find out just how much here.

http://xurrency.com/

See just what bizarre items people will bid for on Ebay.

http://www.bored.com/bizarrebids/index.html

Binge And Purge

So, I have been binging and purging. NO, silly. Not FOOD. Who would want to waste a perfectly good iced sugar cookie that way? I'm talking about my spring wardrobe.

Liz came over the other day and, after seeing the extraordinary number of capris I have, she suggested I might need some help in purging my wardrobe. Picture me laughing out loud. She sometimes forgets she is MY CHILD and I taught her everything she knows about binging on clothes and shoes and then having to purge. Everything she knows. So. I had to do the annual purging.

Remember the checked capris? Well, once I tried them all on, I realized the new ones fit much better than the old ones. So they are out of here.

The tops that have to go because, even though I love them and bought them in every color, because as you know, that IS my philosophy, they are too tight and short. These tops also have a fond memory for me about the time I demonstrated that, in actuality, I have NO MEMORY. I bought one of these tops in a hot yellow and white stripe and brought it home, then realized it was too sheer. Dude. I did this TWICE. The second time it was like "Oh, this is so cute and I didn't know they had it in yellow and I'll buy it too" and then I got it home and tried it on and remembered I had already bought it once and returned it. If only tops could talk that yellow and white one would be saying something rude, I am sure.



The top that was not really a pretty color but it fit and looked pretty good but never really matched anything. It has to go.



The top that never matched anything but was an Izod and I hated to get rid of it but when I took it out of the closet, it had a hole in the sideseam. Snap. What a relief. Out the door.



The top that I have loved with all my heart and has been worn with many a pair of white shorts and slacks and has gone on several cruises but is just simply too tight and short now. Sadly. Out the door.



The top that mysteriously shrank over the year. Seriously. I weigh the same as I did last summer. Although this is not necessarily a good thing. I SHOULD weight LESS.



The darling white top that was always too low cut. I have tried a cami under it and seriously though about buying one of these, after Big Mama talked about them. But I decided that was way too much trouble and I could find another white top. Out it goes.



And, in further fashion news. I am going to a baby shower and here is the outfit I am wearing. Remember all those white capris? See how I NEED them all?

But here's my problem. Which pair of green shoes should I wear?

What's that? You think I have TOO MANY green shoes. Oh, my. If you think that, then you are obviously reading THE WRONG BLOG.

And. In further fashion news. Tom saw the three pairs of green shoes lined up on the bed and said I had a shoe fetish. I said, you mean shoe obsession, not shoe fetish. Because that would be weird. A shoe obsession is PERFECTLY NORMAL. Then he said all three pairs looked alike. And then I put my fingers in my ears and went nananananananana...I can't hear you. Because that is just perfectly ridiculous. They are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.