I Tried To Drown My Wal-Mart Bread

So, I bought some cheesy bread at Wal-Mart the other night. I had never tried it before but I had some ham planned for dinner and some red beans and rice and this cheesy bread just looked perfect. I came home with approximately 4,391 shopping bags and tossed the plastic bag of cheesy bread on the counter so I could warm it up in a few minutes.



Wait.

Let me set the scene for you. There was a sink full of water and a few dirty dishes it it. That had been sitting there since morning. What? Don't you dare JUDGE ME.

So. Cheesy bread on counter in plastic bag. Sink full of water and dirty dishes.

I turned around and the plastic bag of cheesy bread was FLOATING IN THE WATER. How it got there? I haven't a clue. I swear I set it on the counter. It somehow magically lifted itself from the counter and plunked itself in the water.

I fished it out, cursing and grumbling but not really worried because Hello? Plastic bag?

Well, I am here to tell you that those plastic bags that Wal-mart puts that cheesy bread in? They suck. Royally. Because my cheesy bread was WET. I managed to salvage a couple of pieces and stuck them in the oven because I was sure the heat would totally dry them out. I had to pitch a couple that were totally soggy.

They dried out fine. It was actually pretty good. Considering they had been dunked into dirty dishwater. Aside from having to pick off some soggy parts? It was PERFECT.

Uh. Tom?

This is TOTALLY not the cheesy bread we had for dinner the other night. This is some OTHER bread.

This is absolutely a FICTIONAL story. Just to entertain my blog readers.

Ha. Ha?


Tom and I are not big fans of the spicy. I have never been a big fan of the spicy and, as we get older, we are even less and less inclined to partake of the spicy. But when I found this recipe for Mexican Cheese Soup for the first week of the Velveeta Revelations, I thought it would be just fine...read more at my Herald-Leader blog here.

The Greatest Invention Since. Well. Sliced Bread, I Guess.

Do you like clothes and shoes and make-up and jewelry? No? Then what are you doing reading this blog? Wait. That's a little rude. It's OK if you don't like that stuff. But you might not get terribly excited about this post. Although. I guess you can pretty much shop for anything at Wal-Mart, so, yeah, disregard that. And keep reading.

I have discovered the MOST fabulous new thing. You know I found that Wal-Mart has some really cute tops and darling shoes but I have stumbled on something even better. When I went to the Wal-Mart web site to see if they had just one more of the darling striped sweaters I wanted and needed with every beat of my heart, once I put the sweater in my online cart (they only had one color in my size - oh, the pain) it popped up with a message that said the item qualified for free shipping with "Site to Store". Well, I am all about the free shipping, so I read the fine print and, apparently, they just ship all your stuff to your local store and you stroll on down there and pick it up.

Huh. Well, that sounded pretty easy and pretty cool, so I clicked on it, sat back and waited for an email from them. Once I received my notification, I went to the store, stood in line at Customer Service for 10 minutes because I had not actually READ the email which said to go to the "Site to Store" desk, went to the correct location and PICKED UP MY PACKAGE. Well. That is just pretty fabulous.

Of course, I got home and some stuff did not work for one reason or another (the striped sweater was perfect) and all I had to do was TAKE IT BACK TO THE STORE. I didn't have to fill out a return slip, pack it back up, pay shipping, then wait for my refund. I went to Customer Service (yes, you go there for a return) and got my money back. Instantly. So supremely cool.

When I told my mom about this, she said "Oh, so it's kind of like ordering from the Penney's catalog and picking it up at the store?" Like people have been doing since 1963.

Oh. Well. Yeah, I guess. But this is, like, TOTALLY DIFFERENT. OK, not really. But sort of. I actually went to the Penney's site to check and, although they do ship, they don't offer to ship to the store. But they ship to your house. Which is TECHNICALLY even more convenient. But does not reinforce the theme of this post, so disregard that.

The advantage to shipping to your home is the convenience of walking out to your mailbox to get your new items but, as far as I'm concerned, that is outweighed by the advantage of being able to return things to the store because I invariably order something that does not work for one reason or another. And then I have to package it up, pay to mail it and send it back. Now, I can just take it to the store.

So, check it out and let me know what you think.

Little Crumbs Add Up To Big Crumbs

OK, I have discovered something EXTREMELY COOL and I have to share it with you. Look over there on the right, at the top of the page. See that link to a site called "BigCrumbs"? You know how people have all these links on their blogs to make money or to cost you money or just to waste your time? Yeah. This is NOT one of those.

I found it recently by accident on another blog and it said something about making money, so, even though I was HIGHLY SKEPTICAL, I went there. And, y'all. I am a convert. Here is what is does basically. Whenever you shop online, just go there through BigCrumbs instead of directly to the site. Uh. First sign up on BigCrumbs so you have an account. OK. Now go there, then to...say, Wal-mart.com. Where, as you know, they have very cute tops. (And don't forget to go there as I immediately did the next day when I shopped some more at Wal-mart and went directly to the Wal-mart site. You HAVE to go through BigCrumbs or you won't get credit for shopping.) Then, just shop normally. In a few days, you will GET MONEY IN YOUR ACCOUNT.

It works, I'm telling you. Now, it's not a lot of money. I think I spent about $50 on the Wal-mart site and got maybe a couple of dollars back. But that's really just found money. Money you would not have had if you were not a member of BigCrumbs. And you would be shopping online anyway (yes, I mean you Carole) so you might as well get some money back.

I waited to make sure it was on the up-and-up and I actually got some money back before I recommended it and it seems to be. They have been in business for two years. Ebay is on there and so are a ton of other online shopping sites.

I'm trying not to make this sound like some sort of gimmick or advertisement, because it's really not. It worked for me. Apparently, they are in partnership with all these online shopping sites, who pay them part of what people spend to shop, so they can afford to give some of it back to the shoppers. I guess it's convenient for people to have all those shopping sites together.

Now, if you are going to do it, please click over there on my link and sign up, because if you go through my blog, I get some fraction of a cent for everyone who signs up.

And who knows?

If, like, 10,000 people sign up. I might get enough for a new pair of shoes.

Hey. It could happen.

From Now On, I'm Buying All My Clothes At Wal-Mart. And Then I'm Going Swimming In The CEEment Pond.

A lot of the blogs I read talk about shopping at Target. Target, Target, Target. Target has the cutest clothes, I just got the cutest dress at Target and these new shorts? Darling!

Well, pah on Target. Every time I go to Target and try something on, it doesn't look good. Never cute. Evah. So I don't care what anyone says about Wal-mart. (or as my friend Terry calls it, THE Wal-mart) THEY are the ones with the cute clothes.
Back when I had a serious jones for sleeping pants, I went to Wal-mart and found all kinds of cute cotton, stretchy t-shirts in long and short sleeve. My only regret is that I forgot my longtime rule and did not buy them in every color. By the time I went back, they were gone. Fashion sigh. (which is totally unlike a normal sigh and is more plaintive)

I was grocery shopping in Wal-mart the other day and noticed all these really cute tops and shorts and skirts and it was all I could do to remember that I really needed to buy milk and eggs and could not buy tops and shorts and skirts on this particular visit. So I went back. And shopped my little heart out.

Who remembers scooter skirts? Raise your hand. Ah, my peeps. You are either very knowledgeable about your fashion history or you went to high school with me in 1971. And, when I Googled scooter skirts, to show you what I was talking about, I got this site. Really. Not what I was talking about AT ALL. This is more like it. And, strangely enough, that is EXACTLY what my legs looked like back then.

Anyway. Apparently, they are called skorts now and are once again stylish. Which happens with all my clothes. If only I had saved all those scooter skirts. Although that would not help me now because my waist was approximately the size of a 3 year old child when I was 18. So, I found some skorts at Wal-mart.

Darling? I should THINK so.

They are SHORTS but they look like a SKIRT. Get it? You can look like you are wearing a SKIRT but you are wearing SHORTS. In case you don't get it, here is a diagram.

Then I found these tops. They are all cotton, but it is a soft, stretchy cotton and, based on my experience with the other tops I bought there, they will stay nice and new looking even after being washed several times. I found a yellow one with really cute tucks in the front.

And, you do know me right? Buy them in every color is my fashion motto.

Cute, solid color v-neck t-shirts. This white is really nice because it's not paper-thin.



I bought the navy and will have to go to another Wal-mart to get the black. I didn't buy the red because I already have a red one, but WHAT WAS I THINKING? Of course, I need a backup red one. In case of a fashion emergency.


Then found these t-shirts in really cute bright color stripes. And now that I think about it, I might have forgotten to buy a couple of colors. I'll have to check back.


No, that is not two red striped tops. What do you take me for? Someone who is a little obsessed? Those are RED and RUST. Gah. They are TOTALLY different.



And. Isn't it nice when you get home and what you have bought actually matches something you already have? Remember all those capris? Well, my other fashion motto is "When you buy it in every color, you will eventually find something to match it." See?







I was a little hesitant about this top because I am JUST SLIGHTLY past the age when I want people to think I am PREGNANT and a lot of these smock tops have a tendency to do that. But this one has tucks and lies nice and flat.

They had two colors, so do I need to say it?

And, in a nice conclusion to a story about fashion. The slate green top matched the slate green/white checked capris for which I thought I would NEVER find something to match.

So, in conclusion, my two fashion rules. Print them out and put them on your refrigerator. Because I am a FASHION GODDESS. And now my daughter is LAUGHING OUT LOUD.

1. If it fits, buy it in every color.
2. If you buy it in every color, eventually you will have things that match.

But now that I am thinking about it. I don't have ANY slate green shoes. This is completely unacceptable. Completely.

The tops are all Faded Glory and the skorts are White Stag. They are all available on Wal-mart online for minimal shipping costs. Just search for women's apparel. Let me know if you buy some and what you think. And let me know if you buy them in every color. It will make me feel better.

Eating Pop Tarts in Wal-Mart

Actual things my husband has said to me recently. Really.

In the past: Can you bring me a slice of that chocolate cake?

In the present: Can you bring me an apple?

In the past: Can you pick up some chicken nuggets and fries when you go out?

In the present: I don't want fast food - can you get something healthy?

In the past: Can we have fried chicken/roast beef/meat loaf/ for dinner?

In the present: Can we have salad for dinner?

In the past: Just let me finish this video game before I get ready to go.

In the present: Just let me walk on the treadmill before I get ready to go.

In the past (in response to "Did you get some lunch while I was gone?") Yeah, I had a peanut butter sandwich.

In the present: Yeah, I had some yogurt and fruit.


And. So. Here's me.

I went to Wal-Mart the other day to pick up some groceries and, unfortunately, I went when I was hungry. You remember in "Pretty Woman" when she says "Big mistake. Big, big, huge mistake."

Yeah. That. I was trying to wait until I got home when I could at least eat something light and was in the middle of purchasing some healthy cereal when I saw them.

The Pop-Tarts. God. I haven't had Pop-Tarts in AGES. They looked so good. Brown Sugar Cinnamon, Blueberry, Chocolate - all iced of course, because really? Who buys the other kind? And then I saw them. Cherry iced Pop-Tarts. And my mouth quite literally FILLED with saliva. I had to have them.

Had.to.have.them. I took the box. I opened the box. I took out a Pop-Tart. And I ate it while strolling around Wal-Mart. I am absolutely, without a doubt, the CLASSIEST person in the world.

But man. It was good.

And this could possibly, just possibly be why he has lost 25 pounds. And I have lost 3.

"To Sleep, Perchance to Dream"

Copyright © 1995-2004 uclick, LLC. All Rights Reserved.

I'm really very annoyed with you. Keeping all that information to yourself. Not sharing it with me. Not letting me know. Yes, I'm seriously annoyed.


What?

SLEEPING PANTS. I'm talking about SLEEPING PANTS. Yes, I know practically the entire human race has been wearing sleeping pants for a few years now. My husband, my children, my son-in-law, my nieces. Probably most of my friends, although we haven't sat around in our pajamas for, like, ever, so I don't really know about them.


For Christmas, my mom gave me a set of sleeping pants and a matching little red t-shirt. It was a cute outfit but I immediately thought I would need to exchange it for some silky pajamas. My lounging ensemble of choice up to this point has been silky pajamas, with a robe over them if it gets nippy in the house. My husband persuaded me to try them on, that I might like them, give them a chance. So, on Christmas day, I took a relaxing bubble bath and slipped on my new sleeping pants and t-shirt.


Seriously. I may NEVER wear anything else again. I'm not saying I'll wear them to Walmart, but I'm thinking very hard about a way that I can possibly wear them to work. Maybe a school-wide pajama party. I'll have to try to make that happen.


Because. Oh. My. God. These things are so comfortable. So. comfortable. I realized I wasn't going to be able to wear the same pair of sleeping pants for the next five or six years, so I went shopping yesterday and bought another pair. OK, two. OK, three. Shut up. At least it wasn't like I bought eleven pairs of shoes.


And I would have bought more but that's all they had in my size. I'm checking the other store today. And, due to the wonder that is the Internet, I can show you what I bought!

Aren't they CUTE? Because, you know. I have to look cute even when I am LOUNGING.

Picture from http://www.dillards.com

I bought a cream colored top and a brown top, which I found, strangely enough, in the men's department. I wanted long sleeve casual tops and most of the ones in the women's department were either too fancy or too expensive. The man's top has sleeves that are a little long but I just rolled them up. So, at this very moment, I look EXACTLY like the picture above. Except I am not a size 2. I'm slightly bigger. Slightly.

I would NEVER wear my sleeping pants to Walmart. But I'm just idly wondering if I could get away with it at the grocery.


What do you think?




Now, that would have been the end of my post except I just had to tell you this. When I was looking for a quote or idiom or something about sleep to put in my post title, I stumbled on the expression "sleep sex". My mother often told me that you learn something new every day. This is so, so true. This is definitely an ailment my husband would like for me to acquire. I love that it's not "always problematic..for their partners". Heck, no. They are probably THRILLED when their partner has this problem. I leave you with the definition of sleep sex.


Sleep sex or sexsomnia is a form of non-rapid eye movement (NREM) parasomnia (similar to sleepwalking) that causes people to commit sexual acts while they are asleep. The first doctor to coin the term "Sleep sex" was Dr. David Saul Rosenfeld, a neurologist and sleep doctor from Los Angeles, California. The proposed medical diagnosis is NREM Arousal Parasomnia - Sexual Behaviour in Sleep, and is considered to be a distinct variant of sleepwalking/confusional arousals (ICSD 2). The condition was defined by three researchers from the University of Toronto and the University of Ottawa in a paper called "Sexsomnia — A New Parasomnia?" published in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry in June 2003. Sufferers are often aware of their behavior for a long time before they seek help, often because they are not aware that it is a medical disorder or for fear that others will judge it as willful behavior rather than a medical disorder. However, the reality of the condition has been confirmed by sleep disorder researchers who have made sound and video recordings of patients with the condition and observed unusual brain wave activity during the episodes similar to that experienced by other parasomniacs. It is a mind/body disconnect that occurs during sleep. In many cases it is a pre-cursor to neuromuscular disease and is treated with muscle relaxants and other medications.... Sexsomnia is not always problematic or extreme for those who experience it or for their partners. There is a great variety in both the frequency and levels to which people are affected by this disorder.

Bubble Yum

Hey. The next time you are feeling really tired from a long day of work and you have to run a bunch of errands and your feet are hurting and your throat is a little sore and you just.want.to.get.home.

Get in line at Wal-Mart behind a guy with just a few things in his cart who is obviously in a good mood. He is an older guy with gray hair but he has a wad of gum in his mouth and he is chewing merrily and humming as he unpacks his cart.

In fact. The gum looks so good that you think maybe you want some. Even though you don't really like to chew gum and haven't chewed gum in 5, 10, OK, a LOT of years.

So get to the register and look at the sugar-free gum and think about the Spearmint but decided that, oh yeah, good ol' bubble gum flavor! Buy a pack.

Unwrap it on the way to the car and stick about three sticks in your mouth. Chew. Enjoy. Then realize. This is BUBBLE gum. Put your tongue in the gum and marvel at the familiarity as you make a bubble shape, blow it up and then pop it with your teeth.

Blow and pop. Grin like a fool. Feel about 16. Blow and pop. Repeat all the way home.


You CAN'T stay in a bad mood. It is physically impossible.

The Match Game. Not So Much.

My underwear is not matching today. And I didn't match YESTERDAY EITHER. Now, y'all know how I like my underwear to match. So, I am not at all content in my life right now.


Yesterday, I put on my darlin' light green lace, matching bra and french-cut panties and then slipped on my lime green polka dot sundress. Dang. I had forgotten that dress was cut in at the shoulders enough that I had to wear a strapless bra with it. Now, theoretically, I could have slipped off my light green lace panties and put on some of my white cotton bikini panties I use to work out in (when you work out hard every day and and get really sweaty, you just can't wear those silky, lacy panties. WHAT? I do so work out. Once in a while. You in the back. Stop laughing. I can SEE you.), but I decided that was kind of silly, so I just wore the green ones. And didn't match ALL DAY.


Then, today, I put on my light pink lace bra and panties and slipped on my fabulous hot pink and white check capris and my white eyelet top. And the light pink bra was showing through like a neon sign saying "I am a slut who lets my bra show though my clothes, even though it is a completely different color from my top." And we couldn't have that. Otherwise, I would have to go hang out at Wal-Mart to fit in. So, I had to switch to a white bra with blue panties.


I really can't imagine any situation where anyone but Tom might know that my underwear does not match except possibly my slightly sarcastic friends who might just ASK if my underwear matches today. Except now that I have told the entire Blogoverse this information, now everyone knows. But you can keep a secret, can't you? I knew you could. Thanks.

Sleepwear at Walmart

Did y'all get the memo that it's now OK to wear your slippers to Walmart? You didn't? Hmm. Neither did I. But, apparently, SEVERAL other people got that memo. Every time I go to Walmart, I see some lady (I use this term loosely) with her bedroom slippers on. Now, these are not, like, slides or thongs, that you could get away with wearing as slippers at home. No, I'm talking about fuzzy slippers that can not be mistaken for anything else. It doesn't seem to matter what season it is, either. I have seen them worn in high, hot summer and icy cold winter. Saw some just the other day.

What's next? Will it become OK to wear your pajamas to the mall? (On second thought, maybe that's not a bad idea. I do love pajamas. OK, get a grip.) Your underwear to the grocery store?

This is an issue that bothers me. It does not bother my husband. He is just waiting for me to tell him it's OK for him to wear his sleeping pants and gray t-shirt when we go out to eat. And that reminds me of another dressing down or barely dressing issue.

What happened to dressing up to go out? To go to the movies, to a restaurant, to the mall, to travel? I'm not talking about jeans. Everyone wears jeans now. I wear jeans now. Although, I do think wearing jeans to a Broadway show is a little tacky, as we witnessed in New York. But there are jeans and there are jeans. There are clean, nicely fitting jeans worn with a pretty top or sweater and cute boots or slides, depending on the season. Then there are dirty jeans that some guy wore to work at the construction site, then sashayed on into O'Charley's to grab a bite to eat. Possibly some road-kill possum.

Do people even put any thought into this? When I go out, I take a shower, do my hair, put on makeup and dress in the outfit I have selected. Apparently, this is just WAY too much effort for some people.

I have seen people at the movies in sloppy sweatpants and a too-big t-shirt and dirty thong sandals. Did you LOOK in the mirror before you left home? You are not watching a move on the DVD player in your living room, you know.

And don't even get me started on how people look when they are travelling now. My mama taught me you always look presentable when you are travelling. You wear something nice that matches. You do not wear torn blue jean shorts. You do not wear old sandals that show your dirty feet. You do not carry your clothes in a brown paper grocery bag. (OK, I haven't actually seen that, but it wouldn't surprise me.)

Maybe it's my age. Maybe everyone dresses more casually now. But I know that's not really it. My daughter and my nieces always dress nicely, even when they are dressing casually. I don't know what it is.

Do you?