News, Smooze. Or More Accurately. Snooze.

I never watch the news. Never. Well. I do watch it when we are in the middle of a catastrophic ice and snow storm and the power goes out everywhere and everything is closed and a state of emergency is declared. I do watch it then. Because God forbid we should not be able to watch the last season of "Gilmore Girls" on our DVD player. But, normally. Never.

Tom watches it faithfully every night and I figure he will fill me in if there is anything to know. And really? If it's not in People magazine, I don't consider it to be news-worthy anyway.

And you don't actually need to watch the news ever again either, if you just print out this detailed list of just what you can expect on the news EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Seriously. You could miss one night, then watch the next night and NEVER MISS ANYTHING. Kind of like a soap opera. Only with less big hair.

So, here you go. My quite accurate and detailed news report.

BIG STORY: Some country is unhappy with another country.

ECONOMIC REPORT: Stock Market is down. Stock Market is up. Someone in charge of some company is making too much money.

SPORTS: Some team won some game. Some team lost some game.

WEATHER: It's sunny. It's rainy. It's hot. It's cold. It's snowy. WAIT. Newflash. It's foggy.

And now you never have to watch the news again.

You're welcome.

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